Searching for Family

Most of my post have been about me, my birth mom, and my birth moms side of the family.  I decided to switch things up a little bit and talk about my birth dad Brian.  I have only mentioned him a little, I have never met the man, and I'm not ever sure if I will want to.   His little daughter looks a lot like I did when I was little, but meeting her means meeting him.  It hurts not being able to meet all of my siblings, including little baby Max.  Brian is preventing me from meeting my brother and my sister who are both supposed to look up to me.  They can't look up to my brother Eric, being a drug addict and all.
Brian called my birth mom a few days ago, he apologized for everything and he wouldn't leave her alone, so Jennifer my birth mom said to Brian, "Where are you going to grow a pair and meet your daughter," he hung up the phone immediately.  My mom had told Brian that I only wanted contact with my brothers and sisters, she had to lie to protect me.
Brian was so upset when he realized how close I was to the family.  He said "Jen you know it affects me different then you right, knowing her meeting her, and we both know probably all of the stuff that you have told her."
Brian has a bad past, which I know everything about thanks to Jennifer and Eric.  I feel though I need to meet Brian in a way, he has changed, he is a different person,  it hurts me to know that some part of him is scared to meet me.  By meeting me he will realize what traits I inherited from him and what traits I got from Jen.
What I got from Brian was having a very bad temper, a short fuse, being able to manipulate people to my advantage which I dont like to use, being able to drink a lot of alcohol.  All bad things but even if he never wants to meet me, I have something to say, from all of the bad things I inherited, I have seen past it and realized, he is the reason I'm alive, that I have lived this great life, getting amazing parents, and having siblings who are always there for me.  Now with all the hatred that surrounds him and my birth mom, they concieved me, out of the small amount of love they had left for each other, only to one day give me up for adoption and just hope and pray to meet me.  Hope is what kept my mom going all these years through, all of her cancer treatments, that one day her special someone would find her, and meet her.  So thank you Brian for being an ass hole in a way, you have kept our family together as demented as that sounds.  The family ties that bind us together, have never been stronger then they are today.

Escaping From Reality

It didn't matter what I did I couldn't stop thinking about the problems that surrounded me.  I took two days off of work and went up to visit my birth family.  Most of my family was gone besides my birth mom, I went to see her mainly I needed someone to talk to.  It was the best time I had ever spent with her, we watched TV, talked, and went for drives mostly.  I got to fall asleep laying next to her with her stroking my back and running her fingers through my hair.  I got away from everything I needed to just long enough to relax.  We talked about everything and anything from me being pregnant to what my options were.  She comforted me and told me it would be ok and she would support me with whatever I thought was necessary, and that the whole family would do the same.  My older brother knew something was wrong but he didnt know what, he was worried about me, and he just hugged me and it made me feel so much better to be around family, even my little brother just let me hold him and hug him.
I came home, and not long after I got back, last Monday night my boyfriend had to rush me to the emergency room.  I had large amounts of bleeding, due to having a miscarriage from an eptopic pregnancy.   My parents were on vacation, and my family was 10 hours away.  The moment I experienced that feeling of loss, I felt alone.  Yes I had my boyfriend but that only does so much.  I needed and wanted family, I felt as if I was on a different planet then everyone else and no one was around. 
Before I had the miscarriage talking with my birth mom helped to make my decision, I was going to do what she did and give my child up for adoption, one of the hardest things a parent has to experience.  Nothing is the same now my boyfriend treats me differently, I cant tell my mom and dad out of fear of exile, and my birth mom is so far away.  The aloneness I feel is like being in a dark room with no light switch, and no one is there, and no noise is present. 

The Trail of Blood

There are few things in this world that really scare me as much as I am scared now. It is suppose to be that growing up you want to strive to be your mom. The child is suppose to look up to their parents. All though I did not grow up with my eyes looking up to my birth mom Jen, I fear that I will very soon turn out to be like her. She has a family but in no order or safety. Having one kid after another in an environment completely opposite of the ideal. I'm scared because I might be starting on this path. I might be pregnant and I don't know what to do. I'm to young to be a mother. I don’t have a real job and I have at least four more years of school to go. I see how her life has turned out having her first kid at this young age and it scares me to death ending up like her. Having 6 pregnancies in 4 years is to much to handle for someone as young as she was and on top of everything being abused constantly. She now has no job, is in the process of getting seperated, and has 7 kids living in her home, I dont want that learning that was hard but I'm not her. I talked to my boyfriend before all of this started about kids and he was at that point completely against having kids ever. He wanted to go get fixed so their was no way he could have any. I think as he grows closer to me however I can see that his love is stronger than anyone including himself ever thought it could be again. I think he realized that he would want a family someday. Like me however he can not handle the fact that it might be coming now. The idea of not having that ideal environment is selfish and it scared him as much as me that our children could end up like my birth family. I don't wish this on anyone, not even the lowest criminal in the world. My birth mom is amazing for sure, but to follow in her footsteps im the same exact age as her when she got pregnant. Family is my life and kids deserve the best. I'm just not ready to give a child the very best... I'm scared!