The Trail of Blood

There are few things in this world that really scare me as much as I am scared now. It is suppose to be that growing up you want to strive to be your mom. The child is suppose to look up to their parents. All though I did not grow up with my eyes looking up to my birth mom Jen, I fear that I will very soon turn out to be like her. She has a family but in no order or safety. Having one kid after another in an environment completely opposite of the ideal. I'm scared because I might be starting on this path. I might be pregnant and I don't know what to do. I'm to young to be a mother. I don’t have a real job and I have at least four more years of school to go. I see how her life has turned out having her first kid at this young age and it scares me to death ending up like her. Having 6 pregnancies in 4 years is to much to handle for someone as young as she was and on top of everything being abused constantly. She now has no job, is in the process of getting seperated, and has 7 kids living in her home, I dont want that learning that was hard but I'm not her. I talked to my boyfriend before all of this started about kids and he was at that point completely against having kids ever. He wanted to go get fixed so their was no way he could have any. I think as he grows closer to me however I can see that his love is stronger than anyone including himself ever thought it could be again. I think he realized that he would want a family someday. Like me however he can not handle the fact that it might be coming now. The idea of not having that ideal environment is selfish and it scared him as much as me that our children could end up like my birth family. I don't wish this on anyone, not even the lowest criminal in the world. My birth mom is amazing for sure, but to follow in her footsteps im the same exact age as her when she got pregnant. Family is my life and kids deserve the best. I'm just not ready to give a child the very best... I'm scared!