The Downward Spiral Continues

My life has been going downwards for a while now and I have not been able to stop the bad things around me from happening, this year what all has happened just in a short month is changing the person I am.  My friend was killed in a car accident, I had an eptopic pregnancy with a miscarriage, I went through a really bad break up, my uncle died, my best friend wrecked her car then moved to Nebraska, I thought after all this everything bad was done happening but I spoke to soon.
My birth mom called me today, I was so happy to hear from her but it had been a while, she sounded sad, and I asked her what was wrong, she said she didnt want to upset me.  I then said it would upset me more if she didnt.  She told me I couldnt worry and that I shouldn't, her next words made me stop moving and just fall to the chair. 
"Bree, I'm sorry to tell you this before work, but I start chemo tomorrow, the cancer is back again, this will be the 3rd time now, and we will have to just see what happens, because of all the chemo before they are not sure if it will work.  I love you, and you shouldnt worry everything will be ok."  I didnt cry I just said ok.  I told her I had to go to work and hung up the phone right as she was saying please call me later.
I say this now knowing that with all the bad there must be good, my mom told me I couldnt loose hope after all this I couldnt, I miss her now even more, I need to see her now.  Cancer was the only word she said that stuck in my mind though its back again, and my last question is what will happen this time.

Searching for Something More

This month has been one of the worst times of my life, with heart break death, drama, car accidents, etc.  Right now what I need is my sister and my brothers.  I want to just hug my sister right now, and have my brother hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok.  As of now there is a void this is the longest period since I met my birth family in person I have gone with out seeing them, and I miss them terribly.  Im going to fix that though, shorty I'm going up to see them, but what I'm searching for is the reason my birth dad wont talk to me and doesnt want to meet me.  The subject is bugging me more and more everytime I think about it.  I didnt want to meet him before but now something just wants to.  Its like a match just lighted inside of me and I gained the inspiration and the courage to meet him.  A part of me I hope will feel complete if I do, many ppl have encourage me to meet him, but some have told me never to.  I'm caught in this void of truth and lies and I want the truth, is it ok to meet him or should I forget he ever existed and go on with my life.
I believe people do change over time, for better or worse, for him I believe he has changed some for the better.  He has to kids and even a little baby now there has to be some good in him to want to raise a kid this time around.  I love family and maybe meeting him will give me the closure I need to understand everything that has gone on in my life, and why things are this way.  Why I am sweet, adorable, but at the same time can be a bitch tell you how it is, and very manipulative.  Questions I have need to be answered, so this is my decision after writing this I have decided to set up a meeting with Catholic Social Services to meet him, if it goes badly then that answers questions, same for if it goes well.  For every question I will be give an answer in some form.

New Family for the Holidays

With the holidays fastly approaching it only peeks my curiosity on how my birth family celebrates them, and who all is apart of their holiday traditions.
Well mainly who am I going to spend my holidays with this year.  My birth mom told me I was not aloud to not be with my adoptive family for the holidays, if I tried to spend it all with them she said she would beat my ass and drag me back down to my parents and family.
I love spending time with my mom and dad and family for Christmas and Thanksgiving its always been the same every year since I was a small child, we have a big huge Thanksgiving for everyone mom and dads side at our house, and then for Christmas Eve we spend it with my moms side, and Christmas day is spent with my parents then later on with my dads side.  Well with a new family in the mix how will I see them and get to spend time with them. 
Questions I have and want answered, that I do not know yet; How important are the holidays for them?, does the whole family come together?, does my birth dad have anything to dowith the holidays?, where do you normally celebrate them?, what type of family traditions do you have that you celebrate every year?  In time I will hopefully figure these things out.  What I hopefully want to do is go up for Christmas definitely but do I buy them all presents, will they give me presents.  Who knows I know everything will work out though, I just don't want anyone to feel forgotten or unloved with the decisions I choose to make about the holiday season.

Searching for Family

Most of my post have been about me, my birth mom, and my birth moms side of the family.  I decided to switch things up a little bit and talk about my birth dad Brian.  I have only mentioned him a little, I have never met the man, and I'm not ever sure if I will want to.   His little daughter looks a lot like I did when I was little, but meeting her means meeting him.  It hurts not being able to meet all of my siblings, including little baby Max.  Brian is preventing me from meeting my brother and my sister who are both supposed to look up to me.  They can't look up to my brother Eric, being a drug addict and all.
Brian called my birth mom a few days ago, he apologized for everything and he wouldn't leave her alone, so Jennifer my birth mom said to Brian, "Where are you going to grow a pair and meet your daughter," he hung up the phone immediately.  My mom had told Brian that I only wanted contact with my brothers and sisters, she had to lie to protect me.
Brian was so upset when he realized how close I was to the family.  He said "Jen you know it affects me different then you right, knowing her meeting her, and we both know probably all of the stuff that you have told her."
Brian has a bad past, which I know everything about thanks to Jennifer and Eric.  I feel though I need to meet Brian in a way, he has changed, he is a different person,  it hurts me to know that some part of him is scared to meet me.  By meeting me he will realize what traits I inherited from him and what traits I got from Jen.
What I got from Brian was having a very bad temper, a short fuse, being able to manipulate people to my advantage which I dont like to use, being able to drink a lot of alcohol.  All bad things but even if he never wants to meet me, I have something to say, from all of the bad things I inherited, I have seen past it and realized, he is the reason I'm alive, that I have lived this great life, getting amazing parents, and having siblings who are always there for me.  Now with all the hatred that surrounds him and my birth mom, they concieved me, out of the small amount of love they had left for each other, only to one day give me up for adoption and just hope and pray to meet me.  Hope is what kept my mom going all these years through, all of her cancer treatments, that one day her special someone would find her, and meet her.  So thank you Brian for being an ass hole in a way, you have kept our family together as demented as that sounds.  The family ties that bind us together, have never been stronger then they are today.

Escaping From Reality

It didn't matter what I did I couldn't stop thinking about the problems that surrounded me.  I took two days off of work and went up to visit my birth family.  Most of my family was gone besides my birth mom, I went to see her mainly I needed someone to talk to.  It was the best time I had ever spent with her, we watched TV, talked, and went for drives mostly.  I got to fall asleep laying next to her with her stroking my back and running her fingers through my hair.  I got away from everything I needed to just long enough to relax.  We talked about everything and anything from me being pregnant to what my options were.  She comforted me and told me it would be ok and she would support me with whatever I thought was necessary, and that the whole family would do the same.  My older brother knew something was wrong but he didnt know what, he was worried about me, and he just hugged me and it made me feel so much better to be around family, even my little brother just let me hold him and hug him.
I came home, and not long after I got back, last Monday night my boyfriend had to rush me to the emergency room.  I had large amounts of bleeding, due to having a miscarriage from an eptopic pregnancy.   My parents were on vacation, and my family was 10 hours away.  The moment I experienced that feeling of loss, I felt alone.  Yes I had my boyfriend but that only does so much.  I needed and wanted family, I felt as if I was on a different planet then everyone else and no one was around. 
Before I had the miscarriage talking with my birth mom helped to make my decision, I was going to do what she did and give my child up for adoption, one of the hardest things a parent has to experience.  Nothing is the same now my boyfriend treats me differently, I cant tell my mom and dad out of fear of exile, and my birth mom is so far away.  The aloneness I feel is like being in a dark room with no light switch, and no one is there, and no noise is present. 

The Trail of Blood

There are few things in this world that really scare me as much as I am scared now. It is suppose to be that growing up you want to strive to be your mom. The child is suppose to look up to their parents. All though I did not grow up with my eyes looking up to my birth mom Jen, I fear that I will very soon turn out to be like her. She has a family but in no order or safety. Having one kid after another in an environment completely opposite of the ideal. I'm scared because I might be starting on this path. I might be pregnant and I don't know what to do. I'm to young to be a mother. I don’t have a real job and I have at least four more years of school to go. I see how her life has turned out having her first kid at this young age and it scares me to death ending up like her. Having 6 pregnancies in 4 years is to much to handle for someone as young as she was and on top of everything being abused constantly. She now has no job, is in the process of getting seperated, and has 7 kids living in her home, I dont want that learning that was hard but I'm not her. I talked to my boyfriend before all of this started about kids and he was at that point completely against having kids ever. He wanted to go get fixed so their was no way he could have any. I think as he grows closer to me however I can see that his love is stronger than anyone including himself ever thought it could be again. I think he realized that he would want a family someday. Like me however he can not handle the fact that it might be coming now. The idea of not having that ideal environment is selfish and it scared him as much as me that our children could end up like my birth family. I don't wish this on anyone, not even the lowest criminal in the world. My birth mom is amazing for sure, but to follow in her footsteps im the same exact age as her when she got pregnant. Family is my life and kids deserve the best. I'm just not ready to give a child the very best... I'm scared!

Two of a Kind

Its funny when you are with family you see the things that are similar about you.  For instance my sister and I love all of the same types of food, and we prepare our food the same way, or when we go out to a restraunt we will order the same thing.  When it comes to music though we are completly different she likes punk music and so does my brother, where mom and I like music we can dance to and has a good beat. 
The whole family loves ice cream, everybody does doesnt matter what flavor, we will eat any.  We all dislike onions, tomatoes, and watermelon though, its weird I figured I was just odd like that but my family is like me.  The difference between us though they could care less about politics, yes they have personal beliefs but it doesnt matter to them, where as me if somebody said something about politics that I strongly disagreed with it would start a debate. 
I guess what I mean is no matter if you adopted or not your family can be dissimillar, but a like in minute ways.  I more like my adopted family then I realized, growing up with there values, and beliefs impacts who you are.  One trait I'm glad I did not inheret though, my dad can manipulate people very well, and so can my mom my brother and sister as well why not me.  Common beliefs they way I was raised. 
The impact of my parents I didnt realize until now, but I couldnt be more thankful to be adopted, yes I still love my birth family Im not say I dont like them, but I'm the only one of us that wants to attend college, and who has a job.  Thank you mom and dad for pushing me and morphing me into what I am.